Uncle Morton

Tonight, as I was looking through old files on my computer to try to recover some lost documents, I found a tribute to my Uncle Morton that I wrote a few days after he died.  He was truly a wonderful man, full of life and love.  Here is the tribute along with some photographs:

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On Sunday, March 15, 2009 2:37 PM:

In Memory of Morton Brown My great-uncle passed away a two weeks ago at the age of 86.  He lived a life that was full of love, goodness, and blessings from the Lord.  At the age of 15, he dropped out of high school to work and help support his family during the depression.  One day while driving a dump truck to haul dirt, he happened upon a beautiful piece of property near a creek.  Eventually, after several years went by, he purchased this 90-acre property in southeast Roanoke and there he built a house, a water mill, and a covered bridge over the creek.  He married his first true love, Vivian, and they and their four children called this place their home.  He spent his days working as a paint contractor, playing golf, encouraging people, telling stories, and writing memoirs.  He loved God.  His wife died 12 years ago from cancer and he never got over her.  He continued to serve the Lord and encourage people, tell stories and write memoirs but his life was never the same without Vivian.  Several years ago, he sold his property to a developer and they tore down his home.    Last weekend, mom, dad, Jenny, and Hailey and I decided to go back and visit the property.  This was the place where my sister and I spent Sunday afternoons after church when we were growing up.  I knew my great-uncle better than I knew my grandfather.  I was deeply touched by and in awe of the beauty of his home and land even at a young age.  My dad and his brothers used to hike, chase turkeys, go fishing and swim in the lake when they were little boys.  My dad planted some of the Loblolly Pines on the mountain side some fifty years ago - they are now approaching almost 80 feet tall.  And yes, we were trespassing! We even managed to collect a few “souvenirs.”  This, of course, was my mom’s idea.  She has a thing for family plants, as some of you know.  So, now she has a family holly bush to add to her collection:)  It was an absolutely lovely day, filled with beauty, wilderness, and a hint of pain for the things that are now lost.   At the end of the afternoon, we stuffed the holly bush in the trunk, and piled back into the car to go home.  Little Hailey is now 2 years old and she loves to sing songs like “Deep and Wide” and “If You’re Happy and You Know It.”  So she started to sing.  And out of her mouth came the words from an old hymn, a hymn that we often sing to her before she takes a nap, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,…Master, Savior, Jesus…kings and kingdoms …” and then mom joined in “kings and kingdoms, will all pass away, but there’s something about that Name.”    Here are some photographs of our trip.  Except for the last two - they are older photographs from 10 years ago.  In them is a picture of a man that no longer lives on this earth and a house that no longer stands.  I’m sad about the loss, the loss of this beautiful property that is no longer in our family, the loss of a wonderful man that I wish I had spent more time with, the loss of youthful days spent with family that will never be recreated.  But then I think about Hailey’s song and I smile.  It really is true – these things will all pass away but One thing will never pass away and there is One that will never leave.  Love, Truth, Goodness, Beauty, Purity, Grace and everything else that Jesus is and everything else that His name means will not ever pass away.  These things are worth far above gold, jewels, and possessions.   And so I write this in memory of my great-uncle,                                                                                                                    Henry Morton Brown.

A Higher Beauty

Tonight I sit here on my couch, just thinking.  It's way past my bedtime and I really need sleep, but I just can't shake this feeling and these thoughts.   A few hours ago I read some devastating news on facebook about a local pastor's daughter, 23 years old, who just found out she has cancer.  I don't know her, but by other people's description, she is a beautiful, young woman who loves Jesus. Many people are extremely shocked and saddened to hear this news. 

I don't know the family very well.  But I do know what it is like to receive a devastating doctor's report at the age of 23.  In fact, I was exactly that age... 23.  And hearing this news tonight, takes me back to when it was me sitting in that doctor's office.

It's something you can't prepare for. When it happens to you, it's like time stands still.  It can't be real.  Everyone is finding out the news and watching how you respond.  You are watching your own life too, to see what happens next and how you respond, because you don't know either. 

At such a young age, the devastating news hits much harder, especially for a young woman.  Many  questions flow through the mind.  Questions about the future, marriage, children, suffering, medical bills, pain, and the questions of why and how God would allow such a tragedy... especially to a young, beautiful and godly woman . And then there are the questions about beauty.  Will I still be beautiful?

When I was 23, I was told I had a very rare lung condition and by the time I was 26 I had been through 7 major lung surgeries and about a bazillion tests and procedures that were too numerous for me to count.   I had lots of love and support from friends, family, and community and I loved Jesus too.  I cannot even begin to describe how much all of the support meant to me.  But after a few years of tests and surgeries, people moved on with their lives and I tried to as well.  I sought God with all of my  heart because I realized that in the end, He was the only One who would never leave me.  And, like a desperately thirsty woman in the desert, I needed to know Him.  I literally cried out to him every night, seeking Him with all of my heart.

Last week, I went back to the Mayo Clinic for a check-up, where I had been at that young age having multiple surgeries.  The doctor who saw me last Thursday, stopped me on his way out of the exam room, gave me a huge hug and looked straight into my eyes and just stood there for a moment.  And then he passionately said, "You have gold inside of you.  If this had never happened to you, you would never know the courage and resilience you have on the inside."  Tears filled my eyes and his.

He was right.  A refiner's fire has been burning in my life on the inside of me and in the years that followed my surgeries, it was the Lord, refining me at an almost unbearable temperature for the purposes of being stripped of all of me and filled with all of Him!  But this doctor could see it and those were not just words.  He meant it with all of his being.  He almost trembled when he spoke to me.

To be treated as worthy of love and admiration for who I am and what I have been through is all that I long for.  That is all that I long for from the Lord, other than to be filled with Him.  Why?  Because it makes me feel beautiful. 

When I was 23, I would have defined beauty by outward appearances, circumstances of success, riches, a feminine figure, etc.  But now my body is scarred and not perfect as it once was.  My face has some wrinkles and my body is weak at times.  Physical beauty is a wonderful thing, but I know a secret.  The beauty that the Lord sees when He looks down from heaven is not flesh.  Flesh is temporary and it will decay and eventually rot.  The beauty that the Lord sees is something that many cannot see but it doesn't matter because it is the most real beauty in existence.  It is the beauty of gold on the inside, a pure love in one's heart, a soul that is filled with the Holy Spirit.  It is the sweet presence of a courageous overcomer, the eternal substance of a person who has endured devastating attacks and who has stood firm in her faith in God's heart of love until the end, no matter the diagnosis.  This is the strength and beauty that Jesus is coming for in His bride.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and Jesus's eyes are fixed on His refined and pure Bride!

And so I would say to this dear one, do not fear the loss of your beauty.  Your beauty is only going to become more lovely to the one who really Loves you.  And those who have eyes to see as He sees, will see your beauty too, in fact, they will see gold inside of you.

 

How to be Free

On my last post, I mentioned a rough situation that I went through and how God helped to make it beautiful.  But there is something I would like to expound upon.  In my previous post, I mentioned that "sometimes we just have to push through the feelings of sadness about the losses in our own life and invest in the life of another."  While this statement is true, it is also worthy of clarification.  So, in this post I would like to go deeper into the first part of this statement.

When I said "push through the feelings of sadness," I did not mean ignore them, displace them, minimize these feelings, sweep them under the rug, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and pretend to be happy.  I have used all of these unhealthy patterns at different times during my life and I have found that these strategies do not work and can actually make things worse in the long run.  In fact, these techniques can lead to an overwhelming future breakdown because emotions that are not dealt with properly will eventually be expressed, although not in healthy ways.  All emotions are expressed somehow, either in healthy ways or in unhealthy ways.

So what did I mean about "push through the feelings of sadness?"  By "push through" I really meant to "work through" or "exert effort to go through a place that is not easy."  It is natural to avoid conflict or discomfort, to avoid that whole situation and to try to find an easy route.  It is not exactly natural to stare straight into that uncomfortable emotion or situation and... go into it.  It takes effort to go in.  And it takes excruciating vulnerability and courage to face the truth.  By ignoring the discomfort, pretending it will just go away, hoping it will work itself out by itself, we avoid the truth of the situation. 

When I read the Bible, I see that time and time again God asked people questions about their life.  From Adam and Eve to Elijah to Job, God sure did ask a lot of questions.  Jesus did the same thing.  Questions like "Where are you?," "What is this that you have done?," "What are you doing here? "Who touched Me?," "Do you love Me?"  And it wasn't because He didn't know the answer.  It was because He wanted His people to stop and think about the truth, to press in and uncover the root issue in our heart or situation in life.  He desires that we live in truth and in reality. 

Sometimes the truth is not easy to see at first.  Or, there may be many layers of reasons why we feel the way we do or act the way we do.  But the effort to uncover the real truth of a matter is worth it.

Many times I have found that until I face the truth about my sins, I cannot be free from them.  Sometimes I cannot even know my sins until He helps me to see them.  But then after I clearly see them, if I humbly confess my sins to Him, He is faithful and righteous to forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.  The blood of Jesus washes my sins away and I am free again.

Many times I have found that until I face the truth about my sorrows, I cannot move past them.  Until I face the truth about my feelings and why I feel a certain way, I cannot make sense of them.  I need to ask the Holy Spirit to help me see the truth so that I can know the root cause of why I am in a particular situation.  He reveals the depths of my own heart and life to me, things I cannot even know in my own initiative.  He is the ultimate Counselor. 

Why does He want to Counsel me and help me admit the truth?  So that I can be SET FREE!  It is the lies, the dark things, the secret things, the hidden things, the strongholds in my life that place me in bondage and keep me weighed down.  But I have the most amazing feeling of freedom when He comes and sits with me to help me sort through the pain and the heartache, the bad choices and the reason I made them, the real reason certain things afflict the core of my being, the real reason why I get angry about certain things or feel ultra sensitive around certain people.  These are complicated issues.  But God loves me and He wants me to be free.  He is patient and kind and merciful and He wants to set His people free! 

The gospel message of being set free from oppression and bondage is about being set free from our sin but it is also about being set free from deep pain caused by other people's sins against us, lies we have believed about ourselves, and deception on all levels.  He wants to heal and forgive us of our sins but He cannot do this until we are honest and we humbly repent.  And He wants to heal every fiber of our being from every wound afflicted upon us but He cannot do it until we are honest with Him about what is in our heart and what really happened to us.  He wants to be invited in to these events and into our hearts so that He can reveal things to us, forgive us, help us forgive others, and heal us.  He is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals!

And so as we "push through" the pain to give birth to new life, He will be with us, wrapping us in His grace and mercy and love as we humble ourselves before Him, inviting Him in to the depths of our being.  And we have this promise in John 8:31-32 from Jesus to those who believe Him, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free." 

Pure Love

Ready for Aunt Julie's house!

My oldest niece is six years old and I cannot even begin to describe how much I love her.  She stole my heart from day one and I can honestly say that I would die for her; I love her that much!   When my younger sister told me she was pregnant, I just had no idea how much this baby would change my life.  I never thought it would be possible to love a child so much that wasn't "mine."

When Hailey was born, I was not married nor did I have any children of my own.   In fact, I was in this odd place in my life where I didn't really know what to do next.  I was not happy with my job at the time and I had recently been through some significant health issues that resulted in multiple surgeries, leaving me overwhelmed and exhausted.  So, I felt compelled to seek some rest and try something new.  I didn't plan out what happened next, it just... happened.

In a matter of weeks, I found myself turning in my resignation at work, selling my condo, and moving back home with my parents.  A few weeks later, I found myself taking on the role of becoming Hailey's "nanny" while my sister went back to work.   A lot of people thought I was crazy!  I admit, it was a little unusual to do all of this.  The term "stay-at-home aunt" has probably never been used before.  But at the time, it felt like the right thing to do.  And now, looking back, I realize it was God ordained.

I kept Hailey full-time for several months when she was a baby and every day I would rock her to sleep, pray over her and sing "There's Something about that Name."  This song is an old gospel hymn that repeats the name of Jesus again and again in a soothing, calming way.  Here are some of the words: "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that Name; Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain; Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all heaven and earth proclaim; that kings and kingdoms may all pass away, but there's something about that Name."  She loved that song and fell asleep to it many times. 

During those precious months, I had no other real responsibilities to distract me from taking care of her.  She had my undivided attention the entire time.  She never slept alone.  Every time she fell asleep, which was a lot, she was in my arms.  And I would just watch her face.  I took her to the store on occasion, but mostly we just stayed at home.  It was in the spring and we spent a lot of time on the hammock outside, rocking back and forth watching the birds and the butterflies and the wind blowing through the trees. Time stood still.  I was able to just "be" and to be filled with love.

It wasn't long before my mother, "Mimi," decided to quit her job and stay home with Hailey and I was able to find a full-time job.  By the time I actually moved out and bought a house, I had grown quite attached to Hailey and she to me.  Soon after I moved, my mom called me on the phone one day and said that Hailey wanted to talk to me.  Though she could barely talk yet, mom passed the phone to her and she said "Hi, Ju Ju."  Then her voice became sad and she said "Come home, Ju Ju, come home."  It almost made me cry!  She didn't understand why I had moved.  To her, it was wonderful and normal for both my mom and I to be there for her while her mommy went to work.  I tried to explain it to her, why I had to leave, but she didn't understand:)

Over the years, she has frequently made trips across town to "Aunt Julie's" house to spend the night on the weekends and she is always brimming with excitement to visit me.  We have bonded greatly and she is well aware of how much I love her.   And each night, before she falls asleep at my house, she asks me to sing her favorite song.  Yes, that's right, the "Jesus song."  So I do.  And I sing, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that Name;  kings and kingdoms will all pass away, but there's something about that Name."  And every time, she falls asleep while I am singing to her. 

One night, after she fell asleep, I just watched her face for a few moments to make sure she was really asleep.  And it was right there in that moment that God spoke to me.  Powerfully!   The name of Jesus is full of Power.   The mere mention of His name can calm the storm, heal the broken, raise the dead.  And so He spoke to me and told me that He loved me so much that it was impossible for me to fully comprehend how much.  He told me that He loved me so much that He would die for me, that He did die for me.  That He came here to earth and He was mocked by people who didn't understand Love.  Though I had heard this message in church before, there was something different about it that night.  It was in the context of Hailey.

You see, my love for Hailey is not motivated by anything selfish.  Not at all.  It is just... pure.  She has been through the talk too much phase, not cleaning up phase, not going to bed on time phase, etc.  It's not about how well she behaves... it is just pure.  She has been through the no front teeth phase, the hair slicked back with a hairband phase, the pants too short phase, the tacky socks phase.  It's not about how she looks... it is just pure.  My love for Hailey isn't about me either, she's not even "mine." 

I think God's love takes on a different meaning when we start to realize that we have within us the capacity to love deeply with no selfish motivations, no motivation at all, except pure love.  Sometimes I think about how hard it must have been for Jesus to give up everything to come to earth and die for us.  He humbled Himself, came to dwell with us, entered in to our world.  He was judged, mocked, misunderstood, rejected by many.  How did He keep His focus?  He kept His focus because of His pure and selfless Love. 

 

So that night, I learned some good lessons, through many tears of hope.  Pure Love is an eternal treasure and though kings and kingdoms will all pass away, Love will remain.  His Love for me is unbelievably deep!  And He will place a deep capacity for selfless Love within all those who call on His name. 

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As for the lessons I learned as Hailey's aunt and "nanny," I guess sometimes it is good to set aside the distractions of life and become open to what God is calling us  to do or "be," regardless of what other people might think.  Sometimes we have to put off seeking the praises of men and go after the thing that is pure.  Sometimes we just have to push through the feelings of sadness about the losses in our own life and invest in the life of another.  Sometimes we may be surprised when we encounter God in an unexpected moment and experience His gift of pure Love!  And if we keep our eyes and our focus on Love, we will make it through.

 

 

Truth, Goodness, and Beauty

Caribbean Vacation/Art Trip - Summer 2013

 

        Ahhh... vacation! Ahhh... the Caribbean! Sometimes it is good to get away and think for a while. Sometimes it is good to go to a new place in order to reflect and seek a new perspective.  Too many times, my thoughts are so jumbled that I just can't sort them out.  That is when I know a vacation is in order.
 

      This summer, my mom and I flew to the Caribbean along with a few friends.  As artists, we spent most of the time painting the pretty ocean views and enjoying  a luxurious private beach resort. 

   Looking out across the ocean, I saw the crystal clear shallow water, a layer of green that is slightly deeper, a vibrant layer of deep turquoise  and a layer of dark blue that showed the intense depth of the ocean.   To me, this was not only beautiful, but meaningful because it was like an allegory for the way we were designed to think.  Not all of our thoughts can be deep all of the time.  Sometimes we just need to have simplicity.  But all simplicity and no depth is a shallow existence for sure!

     During my daily routine of busy schedules and work, I tend to stay in the shallow waters most of the time.  But whenever I can sneak away, I love to explore the deep.  I long to take time for deep reflection and allow God to speak to me in the depths of my being and to show me some of His mysteries. 

      Many artists and great philosophers were known for their purposeful reflection. They attempted to find meaning and depth and answers to life's most important questions. Their lives were spent searching for and pondering the great ideals of Truth, Goodness, and Beauty.  

 

     Having an artist/philosopher personality, I have spent much time contemplating the deeper things in life, both wonderful and painful.  I have sought to find Truth, Goodness, and Beauty that could transcend my circumstances and satisfy my mind and heart so I could have Rest.   Over the years, I have experienced many wonderful blessings, meaningful friendship, and love; but over the years, I also  have experienced deep grief, extreme suffering and loss, and broken dreams.  My experience with the deep things of life and of God has not been an easy journey, yet through it all I have found there is much joy in experiencing Truth, Goodness, and Beauty.

 

     The goal of my blog is to express the Truth, Goodness, and Beauty that I have found over the years of searching.  Some of it will be simple and shallow.  Some of it will be deep.  But all of the Truth, Goodness, and Beauty that I have found is rooted in Jesus Christ.  For it is He who said, "Come to me all those who are weary and burdened, and I will give you Rest."  And He is the One in Whom Truth, Goodness, and Beauty are splendidly and perfectly joined.