A Higher Beauty

Tonight I sit here on my couch, just thinking.  It's way past my bedtime and I really need sleep, but I just can't shake this feeling and these thoughts.   A few hours ago I read some devastating news on facebook about a local pastor's daughter, 23 years old, who just found out she has cancer.  I don't know her, but by other people's description, she is a beautiful, young woman who loves Jesus. Many people are extremely shocked and saddened to hear this news. 

I don't know the family very well.  But I do know what it is like to receive a devastating doctor's report at the age of 23.  In fact, I was exactly that age... 23.  And hearing this news tonight, takes me back to when it was me sitting in that doctor's office.

It's something you can't prepare for. When it happens to you, it's like time stands still.  It can't be real.  Everyone is finding out the news and watching how you respond.  You are watching your own life too, to see what happens next and how you respond, because you don't know either. 

At such a young age, the devastating news hits much harder, especially for a young woman.  Many  questions flow through the mind.  Questions about the future, marriage, children, suffering, medical bills, pain, and the questions of why and how God would allow such a tragedy... especially to a young, beautiful and godly woman . And then there are the questions about beauty.  Will I still be beautiful?

When I was 23, I was told I had a very rare lung condition and by the time I was 26 I had been through 7 major lung surgeries and about a bazillion tests and procedures that were too numerous for me to count.   I had lots of love and support from friends, family, and community and I loved Jesus too.  I cannot even begin to describe how much all of the support meant to me.  But after a few years of tests and surgeries, people moved on with their lives and I tried to as well.  I sought God with all of my  heart because I realized that in the end, He was the only One who would never leave me.  And, like a desperately thirsty woman in the desert, I needed to know Him.  I literally cried out to him every night, seeking Him with all of my heart.

Last week, I went back to the Mayo Clinic for a check-up, where I had been at that young age having multiple surgeries.  The doctor who saw me last Thursday, stopped me on his way out of the exam room, gave me a huge hug and looked straight into my eyes and just stood there for a moment.  And then he passionately said, "You have gold inside of you.  If this had never happened to you, you would never know the courage and resilience you have on the inside."  Tears filled my eyes and his.

He was right.  A refiner's fire has been burning in my life on the inside of me and in the years that followed my surgeries, it was the Lord, refining me at an almost unbearable temperature for the purposes of being stripped of all of me and filled with all of Him!  But this doctor could see it and those were not just words.  He meant it with all of his being.  He almost trembled when he spoke to me.

To be treated as worthy of love and admiration for who I am and what I have been through is all that I long for.  That is all that I long for from the Lord, other than to be filled with Him.  Why?  Because it makes me feel beautiful. 

When I was 23, I would have defined beauty by outward appearances, circumstances of success, riches, a feminine figure, etc.  But now my body is scarred and not perfect as it once was.  My face has some wrinkles and my body is weak at times.  Physical beauty is a wonderful thing, but I know a secret.  The beauty that the Lord sees when He looks down from heaven is not flesh.  Flesh is temporary and it will decay and eventually rot.  The beauty that the Lord sees is something that many cannot see but it doesn't matter because it is the most real beauty in existence.  It is the beauty of gold on the inside, a pure love in one's heart, a soul that is filled with the Holy Spirit.  It is the sweet presence of a courageous overcomer, the eternal substance of a person who has endured devastating attacks and who has stood firm in her faith in God's heart of love until the end, no matter the diagnosis.  This is the strength and beauty that Jesus is coming for in His bride.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and Jesus's eyes are fixed on His refined and pure Bride!

And so I would say to this dear one, do not fear the loss of your beauty.  Your beauty is only going to become more lovely to the one who really Loves you.  And those who have eyes to see as He sees, will see your beauty too, in fact, they will see gold inside of you.

 

How to be Free

On my last post, I mentioned a rough situation that I went through and how God helped to make it beautiful.  But there is something I would like to expound upon.  In my previous post, I mentioned that "sometimes we just have to push through the feelings of sadness about the losses in our own life and invest in the life of another."  While this statement is true, it is also worthy of clarification.  So, in this post I would like to go deeper into the first part of this statement.

When I said "push through the feelings of sadness," I did not mean ignore them, displace them, minimize these feelings, sweep them under the rug, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and pretend to be happy.  I have used all of these unhealthy patterns at different times during my life and I have found that these strategies do not work and can actually make things worse in the long run.  In fact, these techniques can lead to an overwhelming future breakdown because emotions that are not dealt with properly will eventually be expressed, although not in healthy ways.  All emotions are expressed somehow, either in healthy ways or in unhealthy ways.

So what did I mean about "push through the feelings of sadness?"  By "push through" I really meant to "work through" or "exert effort to go through a place that is not easy."  It is natural to avoid conflict or discomfort, to avoid that whole situation and to try to find an easy route.  It is not exactly natural to stare straight into that uncomfortable emotion or situation and... go into it.  It takes effort to go in.  And it takes excruciating vulnerability and courage to face the truth.  By ignoring the discomfort, pretending it will just go away, hoping it will work itself out by itself, we avoid the truth of the situation. 

When I read the Bible, I see that time and time again God asked people questions about their life.  From Adam and Eve to Elijah to Job, God sure did ask a lot of questions.  Jesus did the same thing.  Questions like "Where are you?," "What is this that you have done?," "What are you doing here? "Who touched Me?," "Do you love Me?"  And it wasn't because He didn't know the answer.  It was because He wanted His people to stop and think about the truth, to press in and uncover the root issue in our heart or situation in life.  He desires that we live in truth and in reality. 

Sometimes the truth is not easy to see at first.  Or, there may be many layers of reasons why we feel the way we do or act the way we do.  But the effort to uncover the real truth of a matter is worth it.

Many times I have found that until I face the truth about my sins, I cannot be free from them.  Sometimes I cannot even know my sins until He helps me to see them.  But then after I clearly see them, if I humbly confess my sins to Him, He is faithful and righteous to forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.  The blood of Jesus washes my sins away and I am free again.

Many times I have found that until I face the truth about my sorrows, I cannot move past them.  Until I face the truth about my feelings and why I feel a certain way, I cannot make sense of them.  I need to ask the Holy Spirit to help me see the truth so that I can know the root cause of why I am in a particular situation.  He reveals the depths of my own heart and life to me, things I cannot even know in my own initiative.  He is the ultimate Counselor. 

Why does He want to Counsel me and help me admit the truth?  So that I can be SET FREE!  It is the lies, the dark things, the secret things, the hidden things, the strongholds in my life that place me in bondage and keep me weighed down.  But I have the most amazing feeling of freedom when He comes and sits with me to help me sort through the pain and the heartache, the bad choices and the reason I made them, the real reason certain things afflict the core of my being, the real reason why I get angry about certain things or feel ultra sensitive around certain people.  These are complicated issues.  But God loves me and He wants me to be free.  He is patient and kind and merciful and He wants to set His people free! 

The gospel message of being set free from oppression and bondage is about being set free from our sin but it is also about being set free from deep pain caused by other people's sins against us, lies we have believed about ourselves, and deception on all levels.  He wants to heal and forgive us of our sins but He cannot do this until we are honest and we humbly repent.  And He wants to heal every fiber of our being from every wound afflicted upon us but He cannot do it until we are honest with Him about what is in our heart and what really happened to us.  He wants to be invited in to these events and into our hearts so that He can reveal things to us, forgive us, help us forgive others, and heal us.  He is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals!

And so as we "push through" the pain to give birth to new life, He will be with us, wrapping us in His grace and mercy and love as we humble ourselves before Him, inviting Him in to the depths of our being.  And we have this promise in John 8:31-32 from Jesus to those who believe Him, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free."