Better Than I Deserve

Last night when I went to bed, I was having a lot of pain in my jaw but I was too tired to get up and take a Tylenol.  And I was crunched in between my husband who was taking up most of the bed and my cat who was practically sleeping on my face on my pillow but I was too tired to wake him up or shew the cat off so I just endured.  I was a bit cranky last night too.

But this morning when I woke up, I was curled up in a ball in the middle of the bed all to myself and the first thought that came to my mind was how thankful I was.  My husband came over and gave me a kiss and told me how cute I was.  He had already made breakfast and had the coffee ready and was getting ready to head out to do errands.  I put on my robe and grabbed a cup of coffee, looking out the window to see my cat outside playing in the yard, happy as could be.  I sat by the Christmas tree drinking my coffee and all of a sudden I just felt incredibly thankful.  A spirt of thankfulness came over me this morning and I became so aware of all God had done in my life.  Sometimes it just hits me... all that God has done!

There's a saying that Dave Ramsey has when he is asked how he is doing.  He always says "better than I deserve."  That is how I feel too.  God has blessed me more than I deserve, that is for sure!  His blessings have come to me in many ways and go beyond what I ever imagined.  How dare I ever complain about anything!  How dare I grumble to myself about jaw pain or not having room to spread out in my bed!

I know for a fact that my biggest blessing in life is to know God and to experience His presence, to have Him walk with me through many ups and downs of life and to share in His love.  There is no greater blessing and anyone on earth can have this if they ask Him and seek Him.  This is the root of all peace and joy and it is from this place that I can ever begin to enjoy any other type of blessing.

For those who may not know, my life was not always so easy!  You will have to read previous posts to know what I have actually lived through and the places where I have walked with God and survived.  I have lived through many years of wilderness but even in the wilderness God was my blessing.

When we are facing trials, the Bible reminds us to "Be strong and courageous!  Do not tremble or be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!" - Joshua 1:9  And throughout this old testament story of God's people leaving slavery/bondage and entering into the wilderness on their way to the Promised Land, the Lord reminded them that He was their life, their hope.  That though they may be humbled or even tested in the wilderness, He would go before them "fighting on their behalf" and even "carrying them as a man carries his son" - Deut 1:30, 31.  But He also told them that when they entered the Promised Land to never forget all that He has done for them, that they were to "remember all the ways all the ways the Lord has led them through the wilderness these forty years."

In fact, the Lord says this in Deut 8:11-18 "Beware that you do not forget the Lord your God by not keeping His commandments and His ordinances and His statutes which I am commanding you today; otherwise, when you have eaten and are satisfied, and have built good houses and lived in them, and when your herds and your flocks multiply, and your silver and gold multiply, and all that you have multiplies, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God who brought you out from the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.  He led you through the great and terrible wilderness, with its fiery serpents and scorpions and thirsty ground where there was no water; He brought water for you out of the rock of flint.  In the wilderness He fed you manna which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you to do good for you in the end.  Otherwise, you may say in your heart, my power and the strength of my hand made me this wealth.  But you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day."

Though this situation in the old testament is different from what we have today, certain principles still apply and those are that God walks with us through the wilderness, but always for a purpose and that being to deliver us from bondage and to take us into a promised land.  But during the wilderness He tells us, when I do take you into the promised land of blessing, don't forget ME, don't forget all I have done in your life, don't forget to be thankful, don't become proud or think you have blessing of your own accord for all blessing come from ME and don't forget... I am your biggest blessing of all!

Sabbatical Rest

For 18 years I have worked full-time, even throughout most of the major health battles in my twenties. However, in 2001, I took 6 months off to have several lung surgeries and time for recovery. I cannot think of another time in my life when I felt so close to God and every experience felt so poignant.  During that time, 9/11 happened and it was awful and surreal, yet He led me to see the beauty in life and I will never forget this period of time!  Seven years later in 2008, I decided to take most of the year off from working full-time due to feeling exhausted.  Throughout this year, I worked very part-time and kept my newborn niece almost every day.  I spent a lot of time in prayer and surrounded by nature.  I enjoyed every moment with my niece and was fully mindful and present during my time with her.  It was a very refreshing break and God's presence was with me every day.  Again, beginning this month (June 2015), I am taking some time off from work.  This time it is my plan to take about 7 months off and to just enjoy God, art, family and everyday moments.  Over the last year or so, I have saved my money for the specific purpose of having this break.  Some people do not think this break is a good idea, others think it is wonderful.  But, what matters to me is what God thinks and I have felt Him leading me to take this break for some time now.  Amazingly, in the past few months God has also led me to understand His heart regarding rest and why this break is important for me. 


First of all, work is very important to God, to society, and to life because it is part of our destiny to display His glory through our participation with Him in work by using our God-given gifts and talents.  Work is part of God's plan for us, however, so is rest.  And in this blog post, I want to write about why rest is important too and I would like to introduce a biblical concept called "the Shmita."


The word "Sabbath" means a "holy day of rest" such as when God rested on the seventh day of Creation as described in the book of Genesis. One of the ten commandments includes keeping the Sabbath "holy" by resting.  So, not only is rest important to God, but He considers it part of a holy lifestyle. 


In the Bible and throughout ancient Jewish culture, the word "Sabbatical" was often used to describe an extended period of rest (beyond just one day a week.)  According to Rabbi Jonathan Cahn, "Shmita" means "the release, to let fall, or the collapse" which is a year of rest every seventh year.


In the past, Jewish culture has been centered around six years of activity and then one year of rest. This Sabbatical year of Shmita was to be a year of resting from labor, no sowing or reaping, and allowing the land to be undisturbed.  Most of the biblical references to Shmita are in relation to agriculture and the Jewish people were to live off of the fruits of their labor from the previous six years.   Then, on the last day of Shmita, at the end of the seventh year, any remaining credit and debt would be wiped away for the purposes of a blessing or a curse, depending on whether the people followed His principles of Shmita.


When I took time off in 2001 and 2008, I had no concept of the Shmita and I took this time off out of a time of "collapse" in my own personal life.  It was either due to illness or emotional exhaustion and it was most definitely a crisis period for me, yet God also blessed me during this time.  This year, however, my time off has been prompted by Holy Spirit rather than crisis.  I believe that He will have His way in me one way or another.  His purposes of rest for me and for you are for our good and for our blessing.  It is for the renewing of our mind through His word, the infusion of His peace in our souls to the uttermost and a time to be in Him instead of in the many distractions in this world.  It is a time of trust, humility and getting rid of any greed in gaining wealth.  I cannot keep worldly wealth forever but through rest and Sabbatical, I will instead gain priceless treasures of experience with loved ones and with Love himself that will last for eternity.

Surprised by Love

Tonight, I remembered something I encountered several years ago that changed my life.  It was a Sunday morning and I had skipped church because I was "too busy" to go that morning.   I drove to the mall to buy a comforter cover in preparation of having company for the following week.  As I drove through the parking lot of the mall, I saw a man and a small boy near the curb outside.  The man was swatting at the little boy and the boy was flailing his arms and crying hysterically.  It was quite a scene.  The man just kept hitting the child over and over again and he would not stop.  I put my foot on the brakes and just sat in my car in horror as the scene played out right in front of me.  I seriously considered calling the police to report child abuse.  I didn't know what to do so I just started praying out loud for this poor boy while the whole scene continued right in front of my already stopped car.  A few sentences into my prayer, I finally saw it.  The bee.  And I watched as the bee finally flew away from the little boy.  Still staring in disbelief, I saw the father put his arm around the little boy, turn toward my car to cross the road, and look straight at me. That is when I could see the father's face and I saw the love in his eyes.  Then I saw compassion and tenderness in his face as he protectively helped his son cross the street.


In a flash, I went from horrified to surprised to relieved to the point of tears.  Sometimes things are not as they first seem.  This man was not beating his child.  No, the father was in an all-out assault against the bee.  Then I could see the truth.  The Father Loves.  The Father Loves so much that He will defend His child against the attacks of the enemy in whatever means necessary.  He Loves so much that He does not care if other people misperceive what He is doing while He is protecting and fighting for His child.  He has fierce Love in His eyes for His children.  In the end, He wins and will put His arm around us and guide us safely home. 

Authentic

There is a word that keeps coming to me at the start of this New Year, and it's the word authentic. At first, I thought it was just my own imagination, but after having this word intrude into my mind again and again, I finally stopped what I was doing and started paying attention.  The more I thought about it, the more I started to understand what this word could mean for me this year. 

For the last few years, I have been in survival mode and just plowing ahead doing what I needed to do regardless of what it was or how difficult it may have been.  And when in survival mode, vision is sometimes skewed and choices are limited or so they seem.  The "purpose-driven life" becomes more like the "hanging on for dear life!"  For too long I have been surviving but not thriving.  This year I really think God is telling me to begin to move into more of my purpose and my passion... and to recover authenticity. 

I am very excited about this word but it can seem a little overwhelming to know where to start.  So this morning, I looked up "authentic" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary and I asked God to use this as a starting place to speak to me.  This is what I read.  "Authentic:  real or genuine, not copied or fake; true and accurate; made to be or look just like an original; true to one's own personality, spirit or character." 

When I read this definition, I thought of my 6 year old niece.  I know her because I have watched her grow up.  I know her real personality, who she really is, how she thinks and what she really loves from a deep down place of authenticity.  It is such a purely authentic experience to watch a child thrive and to be who she truly is, like what she truly likes, and feel how she truly feels.  She knows herself and what she wants:)   While the adults in her life have taught her, shaped her, and given her a safe place of love, she has not been marred by people telling her who she should be or what she should like or how she should feel. At least not yet. 

Of course, it also made me think of how life can taint this little original childlike spirit and authentic self.  Over the years, "education" and the world's system or even church sometimes has a way of molding people into a copies or into something that they may not truly be.  And over the years, hurt, confusion, rejection, sin, pride gets all tangled up in a person's life as they grow older.  Without God's intervention and redemption, all of these things will remain heavy burdens weighing down the soul and burying the true original self that God created in that person.  Without God's intervention, we will not even know our true selves, as so much of that truest self has become lost.

As Christians, we are often told to deny ourselves and to die to self.  I believe these things are true too.  It is a mystery that Jesus says we must deny ourselves, repent and be "born again" and made into a new creation.  I know these things are true and I have experienced this in my own life.  There is a literal dying process when we surrender and die to selfishness, sin and pride.  There is a new birth process when we ask Jesus to save us and transforms our desires,  thoughts, and actions and fills us with the Holy Spirit, more love, purity, and humility.  But at the same time, we are still meant to be our own original authentic person that God created, a beautiful piece of art that God values  tremendously and He does not want it covered or scribbled on.  He wants it to shine forth His glory in a unique way. 

That is the authenticity I am talking about for the new year, the rediscovery of my truest original self in the midst of all God's done to make me new.

I think about the many areas of my life such as job and career, relationships, spiritual life, natural talents, hobbies, friendships, family, money and finances, emotions, church life, health and wellness, and many more.  The interesting thing is that the areas of my life that are thriving the most are the areas where I feel I have been the most authentic, the most true to my real self.  Meanwhile, the areas that are struggling the most are the areas where I have been less authentic.  Yet, in some areas I am still uncovering my true self so this will most definitely be a process. 

And so my journey into more authenticity, with God's help, begins today. 


"We are all born original.  We are all born unique.  But the tragedy is most of us die copies."
 - Larry Randolph

Uncle Morton

Tonight, as I was looking through old files on my computer to try to recover some lost documents, I found a tribute to my Uncle Morton that I wrote a few days after he died.  He was truly a wonderful man, full of life and love.  Here is the tribute along with some photographs:

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On Sunday, March 15, 2009 2:37 PM:

In Memory of Morton Brown My great-uncle passed away a two weeks ago at the age of 86.  He lived a life that was full of love, goodness, and blessings from the Lord.  At the age of 15, he dropped out of high school to work and help support his family during the depression.  One day while driving a dump truck to haul dirt, he happened upon a beautiful piece of property near a creek.  Eventually, after several years went by, he purchased this 90-acre property in southeast Roanoke and there he built a house, a water mill, and a covered bridge over the creek.  He married his first true love, Vivian, and they and their four children called this place their home.  He spent his days working as a paint contractor, playing golf, encouraging people, telling stories, and writing memoirs.  He loved God.  His wife died 12 years ago from cancer and he never got over her.  He continued to serve the Lord and encourage people, tell stories and write memoirs but his life was never the same without Vivian.  Several years ago, he sold his property to a developer and they tore down his home.    Last weekend, mom, dad, Jenny, and Hailey and I decided to go back and visit the property.  This was the place where my sister and I spent Sunday afternoons after church when we were growing up.  I knew my great-uncle better than I knew my grandfather.  I was deeply touched by and in awe of the beauty of his home and land even at a young age.  My dad and his brothers used to hike, chase turkeys, go fishing and swim in the lake when they were little boys.  My dad planted some of the Loblolly Pines on the mountain side some fifty years ago - they are now approaching almost 80 feet tall.  And yes, we were trespassing! We even managed to collect a few “souvenirs.”  This, of course, was my mom’s idea.  She has a thing for family plants, as some of you know.  So, now she has a family holly bush to add to her collection:)  It was an absolutely lovely day, filled with beauty, wilderness, and a hint of pain for the things that are now lost.   At the end of the afternoon, we stuffed the holly bush in the trunk, and piled back into the car to go home.  Little Hailey is now 2 years old and she loves to sing songs like “Deep and Wide” and “If You’re Happy and You Know It.”  So she started to sing.  And out of her mouth came the words from an old hymn, a hymn that we often sing to her before she takes a nap, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,…Master, Savior, Jesus…kings and kingdoms …” and then mom joined in “kings and kingdoms, will all pass away, but there’s something about that Name.”    Here are some photographs of our trip.  Except for the last two - they are older photographs from 10 years ago.  In them is a picture of a man that no longer lives on this earth and a house that no longer stands.  I’m sad about the loss, the loss of this beautiful property that is no longer in our family, the loss of a wonderful man that I wish I had spent more time with, the loss of youthful days spent with family that will never be recreated.  But then I think about Hailey’s song and I smile.  It really is true – these things will all pass away but One thing will never pass away and there is One that will never leave.  Love, Truth, Goodness, Beauty, Purity, Grace and everything else that Jesus is and everything else that His name means will not ever pass away.  These things are worth far above gold, jewels, and possessions.   And so I write this in memory of my great-uncle,                                                                                                                    Henry Morton Brown.

A Higher Beauty

Tonight I sit here on my couch, just thinking.  It's way past my bedtime and I really need sleep, but I just can't shake this feeling and these thoughts.   A few hours ago I read some devastating news on facebook about a local pastor's daughter, 23 years old, who just found out she has cancer.  I don't know her, but by other people's description, she is a beautiful, young woman who loves Jesus. Many people are extremely shocked and saddened to hear this news. 

I don't know the family very well.  But I do know what it is like to receive a devastating doctor's report at the age of 23.  In fact, I was exactly that age... 23.  And hearing this news tonight, takes me back to when it was me sitting in that doctor's office.

It's something you can't prepare for. When it happens to you, it's like time stands still.  It can't be real.  Everyone is finding out the news and watching how you respond.  You are watching your own life too, to see what happens next and how you respond, because you don't know either. 

At such a young age, the devastating news hits much harder, especially for a young woman.  Many  questions flow through the mind.  Questions about the future, marriage, children, suffering, medical bills, pain, and the questions of why and how God would allow such a tragedy... especially to a young, beautiful and godly woman . And then there are the questions about beauty.  Will I still be beautiful?

When I was 23, I was told I had a very rare lung condition and by the time I was 26 I had been through 7 major lung surgeries and about a bazillion tests and procedures that were too numerous for me to count.   I had lots of love and support from friends, family, and community and I loved Jesus too.  I cannot even begin to describe how much all of the support meant to me.  But after a few years of tests and surgeries, people moved on with their lives and I tried to as well.  I sought God with all of my  heart because I realized that in the end, He was the only One who would never leave me.  And, like a desperately thirsty woman in the desert, I needed to know Him.  I literally cried out to him every night, seeking Him with all of my heart.

Last week, I went back to the Mayo Clinic for a check-up, where I had been at that young age having multiple surgeries.  The doctor who saw me last Thursday, stopped me on his way out of the exam room, gave me a huge hug and looked straight into my eyes and just stood there for a moment.  And then he passionately said, "You have gold inside of you.  If this had never happened to you, you would never know the courage and resilience you have on the inside."  Tears filled my eyes and his.

He was right.  A refiner's fire has been burning in my life on the inside of me and in the years that followed my surgeries, it was the Lord, refining me at an almost unbearable temperature for the purposes of being stripped of all of me and filled with all of Him!  But this doctor could see it and those were not just words.  He meant it with all of his being.  He almost trembled when he spoke to me.

To be treated as worthy of love and admiration for who I am and what I have been through is all that I long for.  That is all that I long for from the Lord, other than to be filled with Him.  Why?  Because it makes me feel beautiful. 

When I was 23, I would have defined beauty by outward appearances, circumstances of success, riches, a feminine figure, etc.  But now my body is scarred and not perfect as it once was.  My face has some wrinkles and my body is weak at times.  Physical beauty is a wonderful thing, but I know a secret.  The beauty that the Lord sees when He looks down from heaven is not flesh.  Flesh is temporary and it will decay and eventually rot.  The beauty that the Lord sees is something that many cannot see but it doesn't matter because it is the most real beauty in existence.  It is the beauty of gold on the inside, a pure love in one's heart, a soul that is filled with the Holy Spirit.  It is the sweet presence of a courageous overcomer, the eternal substance of a person who has endured devastating attacks and who has stood firm in her faith in God's heart of love until the end, no matter the diagnosis.  This is the strength and beauty that Jesus is coming for in His bride.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and Jesus's eyes are fixed on His refined and pure Bride!

And so I would say to this dear one, do not fear the loss of your beauty.  Your beauty is only going to become more lovely to the one who really Loves you.  And those who have eyes to see as He sees, will see your beauty too, in fact, they will see gold inside of you.

 

How to be Free

On my last post, I mentioned a rough situation that I went through and how God helped to make it beautiful.  But there is something I would like to expound upon.  In my previous post, I mentioned that "sometimes we just have to push through the feelings of sadness about the losses in our own life and invest in the life of another."  While this statement is true, it is also worthy of clarification.  So, in this post I would like to go deeper into the first part of this statement.

When I said "push through the feelings of sadness," I did not mean ignore them, displace them, minimize these feelings, sweep them under the rug, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and pretend to be happy.  I have used all of these unhealthy patterns at different times during my life and I have found that these strategies do not work and can actually make things worse in the long run.  In fact, these techniques can lead to an overwhelming future breakdown because emotions that are not dealt with properly will eventually be expressed, although not in healthy ways.  All emotions are expressed somehow, either in healthy ways or in unhealthy ways.

So what did I mean about "push through the feelings of sadness?"  By "push through" I really meant to "work through" or "exert effort to go through a place that is not easy."  It is natural to avoid conflict or discomfort, to avoid that whole situation and to try to find an easy route.  It is not exactly natural to stare straight into that uncomfortable emotion or situation and... go into it.  It takes effort to go in.  And it takes excruciating vulnerability and courage to face the truth.  By ignoring the discomfort, pretending it will just go away, hoping it will work itself out by itself, we avoid the truth of the situation. 

When I read the Bible, I see that time and time again God asked people questions about their life.  From Adam and Eve to Elijah to Job, God sure did ask a lot of questions.  Jesus did the same thing.  Questions like "Where are you?," "What is this that you have done?," "What are you doing here? "Who touched Me?," "Do you love Me?"  And it wasn't because He didn't know the answer.  It was because He wanted His people to stop and think about the truth, to press in and uncover the root issue in our heart or situation in life.  He desires that we live in truth and in reality. 

Sometimes the truth is not easy to see at first.  Or, there may be many layers of reasons why we feel the way we do or act the way we do.  But the effort to uncover the real truth of a matter is worth it.

Many times I have found that until I face the truth about my sins, I cannot be free from them.  Sometimes I cannot even know my sins until He helps me to see them.  But then after I clearly see them, if I humbly confess my sins to Him, He is faithful and righteous to forgive my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.  The blood of Jesus washes my sins away and I am free again.

Many times I have found that until I face the truth about my sorrows, I cannot move past them.  Until I face the truth about my feelings and why I feel a certain way, I cannot make sense of them.  I need to ask the Holy Spirit to help me see the truth so that I can know the root cause of why I am in a particular situation.  He reveals the depths of my own heart and life to me, things I cannot even know in my own initiative.  He is the ultimate Counselor. 

Why does He want to Counsel me and help me admit the truth?  So that I can be SET FREE!  It is the lies, the dark things, the secret things, the hidden things, the strongholds in my life that place me in bondage and keep me weighed down.  But I have the most amazing feeling of freedom when He comes and sits with me to help me sort through the pain and the heartache, the bad choices and the reason I made them, the real reason certain things afflict the core of my being, the real reason why I get angry about certain things or feel ultra sensitive around certain people.  These are complicated issues.  But God loves me and He wants me to be free.  He is patient and kind and merciful and He wants to set His people free! 

The gospel message of being set free from oppression and bondage is about being set free from our sin but it is also about being set free from deep pain caused by other people's sins against us, lies we have believed about ourselves, and deception on all levels.  He wants to heal and forgive us of our sins but He cannot do this until we are honest and we humbly repent.  And He wants to heal every fiber of our being from every wound afflicted upon us but He cannot do it until we are honest with Him about what is in our heart and what really happened to us.  He wants to be invited in to these events and into our hearts so that He can reveal things to us, forgive us, help us forgive others, and heal us.  He is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals!

And so as we "push through" the pain to give birth to new life, He will be with us, wrapping us in His grace and mercy and love as we humble ourselves before Him, inviting Him in to the depths of our being.  And we have this promise in John 8:31-32 from Jesus to those who believe Him, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth and the truth will make you free."